Murder at The Howard Johnson's
by thesepeopleareus
Summary: This is not a tale of pure scandal, oh no. It’s the story of two people in love trying to convince the third wheel in their relationship - sometimes called “the husband” - that he should consider getting a divorce before he contracts a nasty case of "dead


_Well, I'm almost ashamed to say it, but the main reason for my attraction to this play was that it reminded me so much of my story. Tsk, tsk. This was part of an assignment for Interpretation, and I figured that since not even the teacher knew this play existed it deserved a little love. Share the love._

**Arlene: **I was just thinking, Mitchell, this is going to be the first Christmas in 13 years that Paul and I won't be spending together.

**Mitchell: **You've got to stop thinking about it, sweetheart. You've got to keep your mind on what we're doing.

**Arlene: **If only he didn't love me so much. It would be a lot easier if he didn't love me so much. But, oh, _God_, how he loves me.

**Mitchell: **He doesn't love you any more than I do.

**Arlene: **Of course he does. He loves me more than any woman deserves to be loved.

**Mitchell: **Well, if he loves you so damn much, why don't you stay with him?

**Arlene: **You're jealous.

**Mitchell: **Of _course_ I'm jealous. I never felt this way before. I can't stand the thought of anybody but me touching you. I'm a dentist, Arlene. You know I can have any woman I want. But all I want is you. Look, I never told you this before, but remember when I put that bridge in for him and he went home in terrible pain? I put the wrong sized bridge in. I wanted to hurt him.

**Arlene: **Oh, I love you, Mitchell. But poor Paul! He's going to hate this so much. But what about me? Am I not entitled to life? Don't I deserve to know tenderness, warmth and passion without having to get up in the middle of the night, get dressed and take a taxi home?

**Mitchell: **Well I—

**Arlene: **I used to love him. I think I used to love him more than he loved me. Then suddenly things started to reverse themselves. I found myself being loved more than I could possibly love in return. Do you have any idea what it's like being loved more than you can possibly love in return?

**Mitchell: **Of course I—

**Arlene: **It drives you crazy. So you force yourself to love that person more than you do and before you know it you hate him for putting you through all this. Do you know what I'm saying?

**Mitchell: **Yes, but—

**Arlene: **When I met Paul Miller, I was young, I was foolish … But then I started reading. At first newspapers. Then magazines… and suddenly, before I knew it, books! Little by little, I outgrew him. He went to the right, I went to the left. I went up. He went down. I went here, he went there…

**Mitchell: **I couldn't—

**Arlene: **Yet, he tried his best. He gave me everything. Furniture, clothing, silverware… I have five watches.

**Mitchell: **No one needs five—

**Arlene: **Of course not. Oh, sure, Paul and I were happy at first. I didn't know any better. My eyes were still closed. I hadn't awakened as a person yet. And then when I met you, the whole thing really crystallized. I wasn't the same girl that Paul had slept with thousands and thousands and thousands of times.

**Mitchell: **Arlene, I don't want to hear numbers.

**Arlene: **Oh, don't be such a baby. He's still my husband.

**Mitchell: **Not for long.

**Arlene: **How did you even get him to come up here? Nothing can drag him away from his cars except me.

**Mitchell: **I told him was a Spanish businessman with some stolen cars to sell. Serves him right.

**Arlene: **Oh, Mitchell, don't say things like that. I can't help but wonder, do we really have the right to take another person's life?

**Mitchell: **Of course not. That's why it's called murder. Look, would it make you feel any better if we tried talking to him first? Who knows, he might even agree to a divorce.

**Arlene: **Never. The poor guy loves me too much.

**Mitchell: **Well, let's try anyway. If we have to kill him we'll have a clear conscience. Don't get your hopes up, though.

**Arlene: **Come in, Paul and don't ask any questions.

**Paul: **Arlene? What are you doing here? I was supposed to meet a Mr. Zapata.

**Mitchell: **Hi, Paul. How's business? Pleased to meet you – my name is Mr. Zapata.

**Paul: **You? Dr. Lovell, you're our dentist! You don't make enough money overcharging us? You have to operate a stolen car ring, too?

**Arlene: **Dr. Lovell has something to tell, you, Paul. Go ahead, honey.

**Mitchell: **Look, here's the story. I love your wife. Your wife loves me. We're all adults here. These things happen. What more can I say?

**Arlene: **Paul, I want a divorce.

**Paul: **A divorce?

**Mitchell: **What do you say, huh, Paul? A nice clean split. We let the lawyers handle everything, we stay friends, and from here on out all you're dental work is 50 off. What about it, Paul? Yes or no? Otherwise we have to get rough.

**Paul: **You and Dr. Lovell are in love? In love with a man who butchered my mouth? It still hurts from that lousy bridge he put in. I can't believe it, Arlene. After all we've meant to each other. I love that woman. You know I bought her –

**Mitchell: **Five watches.

**Paul: **I'd buy her anything. You know that, Arlene. Name me one thing you want that you haven't got.

**Arlene: **Happiness.

**Paul: **Arlene, you're talking about a very small part of life.

**Arlene: **No, Paul, it's not that simple. It's just that… Well, some people change.

**Mitchell: **Well, some people change and some people don't.

**Arlene: **It doesn't matter now. It's all yesterday's news.

**Paul: **What do you mean yesterday's news? I just found out about it. I'm still stunned.

**Mitchell: **Oh, come on. You mean you didn't suspect anything? Your wife goes to a dentist two or three times a week, sometimes even on Sundays, doesn't come home till midnight and you don't suspect anything?

**Paul: **Something is wrong here. A woman doesn't just walk out on the perfect husband without a reason.

**Arlene: **There are a lot of reasons, Paul. You're shallow. You're dull. You're gloomy. You never smile. The other day I went into your closet. Did you know your entire wardrobe is _grey_? You go into Mitchell's closet, there's color, there's life. There's reds and greens and yellows. There's adventure in Mitchell's closet.

**Paul: **I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

**Arlene: **Of course you didn't hear that. You don't listen. Mitchell listens. He's interested. He cares. He wants to know what make me tick. There are lots of things bothering women like me these days. Things that seem unanswered in our lives.

**Paul: **Like what? I'll answer it.

**Arlene: **Like what makes us feel so restless? What makes us feel so incomplete? What makes us feel so lost? At least with Mitchell at night when I talk, he doesn't fall asleep.

**Paul: **I'm tired, Arlene. Marriage takes a lot out of a person.

**Mitchell: **You never took time to smell the roses, Paul.

**Paul: **Shove the roses.I know his kind, Arlene. He meets too many women in his line of work.

**Mitchell: **Oh, yeah? Well I'll have you know that in 15 years of medical practice, I've only had three affairs with married patients.

**Arlene: **He's only human, Paul. I admire that in a man. You, you never even looked at another woman. That's not natural.

**Paul: **Why should I look at other women? I hate women.

**Mitchell: **Well, I love women, and I especially love Arlene.

**Paul: **Love! You single guys make me sick. What do you know about love? What have you bought her in the last month?

**Mitchell: **What do I know about love? That's a laugh. Who's winding up with Arlene, you or me?

**Paul: **That's not love. That's sex.

**Mitchell: **Sex _is_ love.

**Paul: **No, sex is sex. _Love_ is love.

**Arlene: **I think basically you're both saying the same thing.

**Paul: **Arlene, you don't think I could have had affairs? There are women coming to buy cars all the time. All I have to do is knock 200 off the sticker price and I'm in business. But I'm loyal. And as long there's an ounce of breath left in this body, you're going to be loyal too. Get your coat!

**Mitchell: **Paul, for the last time, are you or are you not going to give Arlene a divorce? Here, I'll tell you what. Free office visits for a whole year.

**Paul: **Never. Get your coat.

**Arlene: **Paul, what happens from here on out is your own doing.

**Paul: **What are you talking about?

**Arlene: **Okay, Paul, as cruel as this may sound at first, and as cold blooded as it may appear… we're going to kill you, Paul.

**Paul: …**Say that again.

**Arlene: **We're going to kill you, Paul.

**Paul: **That's it. Tomorrow we're seeing a marriage counselor.

**Mitchell: **We're serious, Paul. We're going to kill you.

**Paul: **(_Chuckling_) Let me get this straight. You're going to kill me? You two amateurs are going to kill me?

**Mitchell: **We may be amateurs now, but when we leave here we'll be seasoned veterans.

**Paul: **I don't think you're going to do it. I don't think you can do it. You think it's that easy to kill someone? People like us don't go around killing people. We're much too middle class for that.

**Mitchell: **Who the hell are you calling middle class? I'm a professional dentist with—

**Paul: **You want to kill me? Okay, go ahead. What do you want me to do, jump out the window?

**Mitchell: **Well, we weren't going to it that way, but—

**Arlene: **We can't do that, Mitchell. There's cement down there.

**Mitchell: **Good. It'll break his fall.

**Paul: **How about I just sit in a chair while you tie me up?

**Mitchell: **No, I like—

**Arlene: **That's not a bad idea at all. Thank you, Paul. Listen, you sit right here. You'll see how cleverly we planned this whole thing. I think you're going to get a kick out of this. I'm going to go to the bathroom. Don't kill him until I get back.

**Paul: **Come on. Tie me up. Let's kill me. _But _– I don't think you can do it. I don't think you have the guts. If you can, go ahead. But if you can't, Arlene walks out of here with me and we get a new dentist.

**Mitchell: **Leave it to a used car salesman to come up with a scheme like that. …You're on. Have a seat.

**Paul: **You know what my wife's problem is? It's those damn women's' magazines she reads. They're too honest. They confuse her. They make sex look like a fun thing. Maybe it's her age. You know how women are about losing their youth. It's tough on a woman when she hits 38.

**Mitchell: **I didn't know she was 38. How do you like that, I'm two years younger than—

**Paul: **Oooow! It's that lousy bridge you put in!

**Mitchell: **Open wide. Have you been using your water pik?

**Paul: **Who's got time?

**Mitchell: **You're lucky you're going to die, Paul. You need twelve hundred dollars of work in there.

**Paul: **I wouldn't go to you if you were the last dentist on earth.

**Mitchell: **Paul, for you, I _am _the last dentist on earth.

**Arlene: **Well, the bathtub's all filled with water and all we have to do is drag you in there and dump you in, face down. Then you and I can go get something to eat.

**Mitchell: **Great idea. Ever since we thought of killing you at Howard Johnson's, I've had a taste for fried –

**Arlene: **It's too late, Paul. You are who you are and you've gone as far as you can go. The big difference between us, Paul, is that you're tied down and I'm free. I've found myself. You didn't even go out looking.

**Paul: **Arlene, I work twelve hours a day, seven days a week. I don't have time to find myself. You think I'm doing it for me? I'm doing it so I can buy you things. I don't need anything. I'll cut out potatoes.

**Arlene: **But you love potatoes.

**Paul: **Arlene, all I need are shoes so I can continue to work to buy you things.

**Arlene: **Paul, you'll never understand. The basic fact is that I've outgrown you. I've matured. I've blossomed.

**Mitchell: **That reminds me. He said you were 38.

**Arlene: **Paul, you're a very petty person.

**Mitchell: **Arlene, do you think I care about age? Nobody cares about—

**Arlene: **You're as young as you feel. And I feel like a spring bride. I want to go. I want to do. I want to paint. I want to take ballet lessons. I want to go around the world.

**Paul: **Dr. Lovell, do you have any idea how much that's going to cost you?

**Arlene: **I've spent too many years just sitting around waiting. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for something to begin. Waiting! Waiting! Waiting!

**Paul: **Goddamn it, you really got me tied up here.

**Arlene: **That's the name of the game.

**Paul: **You had a good thing being married to me. I don't care how you felt about it. The trouble with people like you is that you're never satisfied. And you, Dr. Lovell. You'll live to regret not remaining single. If I can't make my marriage work, what chance have you got?

**Mitchell: **Love conquers all.

**Paul: **Love conquers shit!

**Arlene: **You know, Paul, there are things in life that are very difficult to justify. You haven't been a bad husband. I'll bet lot of women would have traded places with me.

**Paul: **Arlene, I—

**Arlene: **You're probably right I'd give anything not to have to go through with this. Anything. If only you weren't so possessive. If only you weren't so in love with me.

**Paul: **Arlene—

**Arlene: **If only you would give me a divorce. What do you—?

**Paul: **YES!

**Arlene: **W-what?

**Mitchell: **Are you sure?

**Paul: **In this day and age, marriage doesn't work anymore.

**Mitchell: **D-don't be silly. Married life is the only way.

**Paul: **No, I've learned my lesson. Women are starting to think now. They question everything. It's no fun being married to them.


End file.
